IN BREAKING NEWS:
• Three shiploads of Chinese real-estate investors steamed quietly out of Sydney after a brief spending spree, mostly in the Eastern Suburbs. Authorities defended their decision not to warn the public in advance, claiming the housing market needed a boost & the Treasury was still working out how to extend negative gearing privileges to foreign nationals.
• Australia’s Federal Keystone Kops raided the homes & offices of various journalists looking for evidence of curiosity or ethics. Commissioner Bloater said (i) no Ministers had ordered the raids; (ii) if any Ministers had been involved, he wasn’t allowed to mention their names, and (iii) evidence of Australian Army atrocities in Afghanistan was too sensitive for the public to view. “We will decide what is and is not in the public interest,” the rotund walloper wheezed. “Journalists aren’t qualified. By the way,, who’s this Michaelia Cash you keep asking about? Who’s your employer, laddie?”
• Homeland Tsar Lord Potato, who oversees matters of what is laughingly termed ‘national security’, denied any knowledge of the Gestapo-like raids, adding in an ominous voice that if people kept asking impertinent questions, he knew people who could find out where they lived.
• Prime Minister Scrote Moronson, in Europe for a spot of D-Day nostalgia, said Federal police were a separate arm of government and the government had no idea what they got up to. The jovial leader distinguished himself in London by giving Queen Battenberg a remaindered book about an elderly racehorse & generally contriving to make Donald Trump look like a leader. The PM defended his absence so soon after an election, describing his jaunt as a fact-finding mission. “The Germans got a few things wrong, I’ll grant you that, after 1939, but by golly! they knew how to build good camps,” the devout leader exclaimed.
• In Brisbane, Premier Anna Eyechart rushed through final checks to allow Adani to begin work on its massive coal mine. The embattled hack, widely tipped to lose the next election before proceeding to take up a well-paid sinecure in the banking or mining sectors, said the mega-mine would make Queensland a world leader in providing jobs for robots. “Our vision is for most of Queensland to be one gigantic smoking hole in the ground,” the Premier enthused. “We tried offering the whole state to the Nips as a 450,000-hole golf course, but the banks weren’t very supportive.”
• Meanwhile, two iconic religious leaders had their day in court. Former footballer Israel Nutter claimed his habit of going on-line to threaten gays & anyone else who enjoyed sex with eternal damnation should not interfere with his right to make millions of dollars helping the Wallabies keep losing. Legal counsel for Cardinal George Groper told an appeals court it was a physical impossibility for his client to have committed the sexual offences he’d been convicted of, because he was in another place at the time and besides it didn’t count if you kept your eyes closed.
• The Labor Party, stunned at having lost an election nobody thought they could lose, decided it was time to change the script, appointing a middle-aged white Catholic male with no formal qualifications in law or economics to take charge of things until the next leadership spill.
Source: // WISDOM
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